Deutsch you want me?

Worries worries everywhere, and all I can do is think.

I haven't liked the last two weeks, not one bit. It feels like everything has started to crash down, triggered by my own inability to take charge. I know there's a lot that's out of my hands, but I feel like there were some things that I could have and can still take control.

I'm still peeved about how my mom found out about me moving. The pastor had no right to do what he did without my consent, and even after he talked to my mother after church, he had the audacity to send me a quick Facebook message about how he talked to her at length about the situation. I don't understand how talking to them after telling me he wasn't going to made any sense? 

All of it could have lead to a huge disaster, and... maybe Molly's declining health was her last way of helping me. 

I know I'll still have to talk to my mother about all of this, but she seems to be more sympathetic and respectful since Molly passed away. It actually feels like we're treating one another as mother and daughter.

Other worries vary from small to big.

I decided not to go for the second job. The shift that they wanted me to work was atrocious and it seemed like they wanted me to work it at least 5 days a week, which would have put me at full-time when I applied for part-time. Erika is willing to give me extra hours and put me for full days during breaks anyway, so that's good.

And not working during the day can give me the time I really need right now to throw myself into projects. I need to keep my mind occupied or I'll get to thinking about sad things or things that don't exist.

NYC trip is coming up in two weeks. God, I need it. I just want to drink and eat and be ridiculous in a big city where no one knows me. I'm tired of being afraid of stepping on toes or being too loud.

I have so much to work on, and mainly on myself. I need to stop making others feel bad when my insecurities flare up. I need to find a better way to express them because the way it's going now will only hurt relationships. What I've been taught all my life to do (hide your tears and smile, if you don't have anything nice to say don't say it, etc etc) needs to be rewired. I'm frustrated with myself with being unable to find a way to say that this and that bother me and I'm sad (without having to say I'm sorry for being sad).

I need to start getting away from tumblr. I know I've said it time and time again, but I'm starting to feel the way I did with that old role-playing community where everyone was buddy-buddy and I'm too scared to say anything or make friends. I just want to use it as a way of expressing what I like instead of investing so many emotions into a fast-paced platform.

I want to read more. It felt good to blitz through a book. I just need to find that attention span to get back into it.

I want to stop feeling insecure about myself when bad situations arise. Everyone has their things to deal with, and sometimes I can't do anything about it but be there if they need someone to talk to.

But I am scared that those big bad situations will change everything. I'm scared that I'm going to be left behind in some life-altering situation. It's not that I don't understand that people change, but I guess I'm tired of when people change, it feels like I'm the one always put to the side and eventually forgotten. Maybe that's selfish of me to think. Maybe that's wrong of me to think that everyone is going to do that, when it was just bad people I was around who were jerks.

I'm scared about the future, about how unpredictable it can be.

I'm scared that everything I've worked on and invested in and cherished and loved will be for nothing and I'll be back at square one and unable to get back up. 

I'm scared that saying anything will make things worse even after I've said that I want to be more assertive.

I'm just so fucking scared.

Hoping that venting all of this out will help me sleep at least tonight.